Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Prison

About a year ago I watched this movie called "Saw 3" , I think all the "Saw" series is great.
For those who are not familiar with those movies it's about a man who has incurable disease and don't have much time left to live in spite of his great will to live.
His goal in the time he has left is to teach people to live.
His victims are people that lived their life wrongly and he strives to correct them using violent methods.
But in all the series he didn't manage to correct a single man.
Even those who survive come back to their old life instead of starting a new ones.
If this movie was taken place in real life I would want to believe that people do change.

Several days ago I watched this movie again and I realized that
I was one of the victims !

Here is his story :

"This game will take place in a room not much bigger then a room you spent all your life in - a prison cell.
Despite all the advantages and privileges you were given at birth you returned to prison again and again.
More comfortable in chains then you are in freedom ?
Live or die, make your choice !".

This discovery shocked me very hard.
I wonder, if I was in his place and managed to escape from those chains would I really change my life ?
If I would, why ? out of fear ? realization ? the tragedy that stroke me ?

Something has took my will to really live and enjoy life.
Several years ago I was much more active, I wasn't lazy as I am now I had hope.
But though my experience in life I had many disappointments.
I felt that something leading me, and once one thing ends another begins.
Let me give you an example for this :

Once I finished school I wanted to be a gunner in the IDF (Israeli Defense Forces), but they called me and convinced me to be a driver.
Once I finished the basic training I should have been an Hammer driver which is the hardest job as a driver in the base I was sent to, but instead I turned to be a boss driver and I was home every day.
Once I started to dislike this "job" because driving from home to the base and back home is not in my liking I turned to be an ambulance driver which I liked much better despite the fact I was home only once per two weeks for a long period of time.
6 months before my demobilization I was given a arrested for driving while talking in my cell phone - which automatically leads to license cancellation (after you were judged in military court) if you are a soldier.
But I was judged only one day after I demobilized which lead me only to a small fine.
A month after that I returned to the IDF for 1.5 months for a good salary.
When I finally done with the IDF I was given a free course (MCSE) from my country which would cost me a lot of money if I would take it without my countries help.
When I finished my MCSE I went to train in Tai-Chi almost daily, but after a few months I got a job proposal despite the fact I wasn't looking for any job at the time.
I had to leave my Tai-Chi to take the job.
After a few months I was fired due to Outlook Express 97 bug that deleted 2GB of mail, strangely I was happy ;).
Then I was called to the reserve duty for a month.
Several days after I finished I applied to LPI (Linux Professional Institute) course which begun a few days after I signed (it should have begin several weeks before that time) which I'm still doing those days.

As you see my life flows like a river , like something is leading me to those directions.
But I'm still unhappy.
Why you ask ?
I have almost everything that I need.
I don't want a big house with a pool or a fancy car, I don't strive to be rich.
But what I do need and needed those years was Love.
I never had a real love.
Yeah I had sex, but it wasn't out of love.
I have problems to talk to people that I don't know which are not in my company of friends.
I can't just begin to talk about some bullshit like many other people do.
I feel that I am boring while I'm not - yeah it's hard to understand it.
I feel that I can't express myself as I want.
So I had many disappointments which took my hope and broke my will.

Now I live in a prison cell only going out in weekends, which leads me to nothing but spending my money.
The fact I still go out means that I still have some hope left, but every week my hope goes down and down taking the will with it.
Even when I'm at home I don't do what I need to do - study Linux.
I prefer spending my time playing and doing nothing even though I love to learn about Linux.

What can I say ? I really don't deserve to live in this world.
I have almost everything that I need, but yet I have nothing.

I remember in the days I was in the IDF I had a horrible dream one night, I don't remember the details but I do remember much more then I my other dreams.

In that dream the angle of death as came and told me I got less then a month to live.
I wasn't nervous but just quietly asked knowing the answer "why ?"
He answered that it's because YOU don't want to live, I agreed in my heart and then my mother came and marked my shoulder with a red sign (like people do to cows).

I woke up in a horror and fear, few years has passed since then and I'm still alive
But I still remember this dream as it was yesterday.

1 comment:

Joshua said...

I usually don't take the time to respond to blog entries, but what you have wrote here struck a chord with me. You see, my thought processes are very similar to yours.

What you stated about thinking you were boring when you really are not, and not being able to express yourself as you want to. I have the same problem. It's important to realize though that that simply is not true. Afterall, if you had nothing interesting to say, then how could you maintain a blog? It is all in your head, and isn't what other people think of you. I too have trouble meeting new people because of these things, but you simply have to overcome those negative thoughts in your head. It is a constant battle, but one must never give up.

I also love linux but spend too much time playing video games. Video games are great, but you must be careful not to use them as an escape from reality. Games should be used to augment your existence, not become your existence. They should not be used to postpone, procrastinate, or hide from your responsibilities, because those or detrimental to one's psychological well-being. For instance, I have many times sat down to play a video game and realized that I have actually been playing for 6 hours straight! I always feel guilty about these gaming binges, because there are many other productive things I should have been doing, like learning to programm, or learn more about Linux.

I even had a very similar dream some time back. I woke in the middle of the night and saw a shodowy figure standing beside my bed. It was hooded, and its visage was hidden deep within the shadows of its cowl; much like death or the grim reaper is depicted in pictures. It was slowly reaching out for me with its right hand, which was also hidden inside the sleeve of its robe. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out. I tried to move my limbs so that I might run away, but I was paralyzed. I knew that if it touched me I would die, but I couldn't move so I was resigned to my fate. Then I abruptly woke up. I do not know what this dream really means, but it is also just a dream.

Anyway, sorry for the long response but I just wanted you to know there are others like yourself out there. No one really knows exactly who they are, and we all have our personal demons to overcome. We're all just trying to get through this complicated but beautiful thing called life.