Prison

About a year ago I watched this movie called "Saw 3" , I think all the "Saw" series is great.
For those who are not familiar with those movies it's about a man who has incurable disease and don't have much time left to live in spite of his great will to live.
His goal in the time he has left is to teach people to live.
His victims are people that lived their life wrongly and he strives to correct them using violent methods.
But in all the series he didn't manage to correct a single man.
Even those who survive come back to their old life instead of starting a new ones.
If this movie was taken place in real life I would want to believe that people do change.

Several days ago I watched this movie again and I realized that
I was one of the victims !
Here is his story :

"This game will take place in a room not much bigger then a room you spent all your life in - a prison cell.
Despite all the advantages and privileges you were given at birth you returned to prison again and again.
More comfortable in chains then you are in freedom ?
Live or die, make your choice !".

This discovery shocked me very hard.
I wonder, if I was in his place and managed to escape from those chains would I really change my life ?
If I would, why ? out of fear ? realization ? the tragedy that stroke me ?

Something has took my will to really live and enjoy life.
Several years ago I was much more active, I wasn't lazy as I am now I had hope.
But though my experience in life I had many disappointments.
I felt that something leading me, and once one thing ends another begins.
Let me give you an example for this :

Once I finished school I wanted to be a gunner in the IDF (Israeli Defense Forces), but they called me and convinced me to be a driver.
Once I finished the basic training I should have been an Hammer driver which is the hardest job as a driver in the base I was sent to, but instead I turned to be a boss driver and I was home every day.
Once I started to dislike this "job" because driving from home to the base and back home is not in my liking I turned to be an ambulance driver which I liked much better despite the fact I was home only once per two weeks for a long period of time.
6 months before my demobilization I was given a arrested for driving while talking in my cell phone - which automatically leads to license cancellation (after you were judged in military court) if you are a soldier.
But I was judged only one day after I demobilized which lead me only to a small fine.
A month after that I returned to the IDF for 1.5 months for a good salary.
When I finally done with the IDF I was given a free course (MCSE) from my country which would cost me a lot of money if I would take it without my countries help.
When I finished my MCSE I went to train in Tai-Chi almost daily, but after a few months I got a job proposal despite the fact I wasn't looking for any job at the time.
I had to leave my Tai-Chi to take the job.
After a few months I was fired due to Outlook Express 97 bug that deleted 2GB of mail, strangely I was happy ;).
Then I was called to the reserve duty for a month.
Several days after I finished I applied to LPI (Linux Professional Institute) course which begun a few days after I signed (it should have begin several weeks before that time) which I'm still doing those days.

As you see my life flows like a river , like something is leading me to those directions.
But I'm still unhappy.
Why you ask ?
I have almost everything that I need.
I don't want a big house with a pool or a fancy car, I don't strive to be rich.
But what I do need and needed those years was Love.
I never had a real love.
Yeah I had sex, but it wasn't out of love.
I have problems to talk to people that I don't know which are not in my company of friends.
I can't just begin to talk about some bullshit like many other people do.
I feel that I am boring while I'm not - yeah it's hard to understand it.
I feel that I can't express myself as I want.
So I had many disappointments which took my hope and broke my will.

Now I live in a prison cell only going out in weekends, which leads me to nothing but spending my money.
The fact I still go out means that I still have some hope left, but every week my hope goes down and down taking the will with it.
Even when I'm at home I don't do what I need to do - study Linux.
I prefer spending my time playing and doing nothing even though I love to learn about Linux.

What can I say ? I really don't deserve to live in this world.
I have almost everything that I need, but yet I have nothing.

I remember in the days I was in the IDF I had a horrible dream one night, I don't remember the details but I do remember much more then I my other dreams.

In that dream the angle of death as came and told me I got less then a month to live.
I wasn't nervous but just quietly asked knowing the answer "why ?"
He answered that it's because YOU don't want to live, I agreed in my heart and then my mother came and marked my shoulder with a red sign (like people do to cows).

I woke up in a horror and fear, few years has passed since then and I'm still alive
But I still remember this dream as it was yesterday.

Strange coincidence ?

For the past several days I come to know several bad things that I wish I never knew.
I've been thinking about it and I still don't know what to do.
The strangest thing about it, that it's connected to my 3 post in this blog : "To know or not to know", "The Guardian"and "Give me a memento".

After I celebrated my birthday and my brothers birthday (we made a unite day because we have 5 days between us (not to mention 7 years ;)) with my family, I went to drink a little more with my friends at the restaurant.
Then after the "second party" was over I visited my other old friends that I know for several years.

My cousin which is 16 years old was there with my friends, I didn't like it as my friend is 23 years old and I was afraid of what could have been, unfortunately my fears come true and worse.
She told me that night some things I never knew about her (no she isn't a lesbian ;)), that I which I forget.

That makes me think again of my own posts here.
Strange coincidence ? ....I dunno.

THE GUARDIAN

As you may not know, I used to write songs , it was mainly in Hebrew but I wrote in Russian and English too
I haven't wrote quite a long time, but here is the "newest" poem in English.

THE GUARDIAN

I have died and no one knows
I have left my tragic post
Who will guard you now my child ?
Who will be there by your side ?

I have left to no return
But my feelings still hold strong
Can you see this brighting light ?
It will come for you one night

I have been there when you died
I'm the one who was your guide
You were killed by my own hands
Couldn't guard you from your friends.


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A little psycho poem I must say, but they all like that...well most of them
If you like it let me know, if you don't, well...off you go ;)

Living on Love - The Messenger

My mom read a book in Russian called "Living on Love" and that cough my attention, the next day I've downloaded legally the full book in English (I read better and faster in English) and it is interesting.
In 4 days I've finished reading the book and it has some amazing things.

First it tells you how to win money on lotteries just that you continue reading and come to the really good stuff.
Then is tells you how to always feel like you did when you felt in love, and how to send love to the people around you, be it your children, wife, friends, pets everyone.

Love can do amazing things (and no I'm not talking about sex ;)).
I REALLY recommend you to read this book, it's free to download and read
The file is in .doc but you can convert it to .pdf with Open Office like I did.
The writer has several more books which I haven't read yet, and they are also free to download.

Please do yourselves a favor and read it to the last page.

Official site : http://www.livingonlove.com/
Download : http://lovebook2.tripod.com/

To know or not to know, this is the question.

I still ask myself, what do I really want : to know or not to know
I know that this sounds like a stupid question but I'll give you some examples.

You have a person that you love and she/he cheats on you, if you know that it will probably break your heart, but if you won't know about it you will still be happy.
Or here's another example.
I have a cat that we had to castrate due to the fact that I live on the 3rd floor and if he happen to see a female cat in his regular condition, he would have jumped to his death.
So our cat never mated and he doesn't know a better life then now.
But does he suffers ? NO, he lives a very happy life.

Look at the gliders, they are very happy, not knowing their condition.
They love everyone, the are not capable of hating.
We see them as incomplete human beings, but do they see themselves like that ? NO.

Could you knowingly accept what you cannot change or would you rather not know and stay happy ?

To know or not to know, this is the question.

Give me a memento.

Today I've seen one of the greatest movies ever for the 3rd time (I think), this movie called memento.
This movie is one of the most complicated movies ever, if you saw it once you have to see it again to understand more.
For those of you who haven't seen it yet it's about a guy who lost his short memory when robbers came to his house and attacked his wife.
After that incident he needed to make himself a reason to live for.
He finds the man who attacked him and kills him, but then he realizes that if he leave it like this he will have nothing to live for, so he changes some details about his killer to find him again and kill him again.
He needs to make something to live for.
The greatness of this movie is that it filmed backwards, making you experience the short memory loss.
You actually forget what happened 5 minutes ago if you don't pay attention.

Now, what am I telling you this for ?
well...
I see this movie and I realize that I have nothing to live for (it doesn't mean that I want to take my own life, but if a roaming truck will "ride" on me...that's a different story ;)).
Anyway , except for my family I didn't receive one call yesterday for my birthday.
None except my family called me to congratulate me for my birthday.
I have no real friends, I have no ambitions, and if I'll die - I won't be remembered by anyone except my family.
I came to a situation that I want to forget everything that happened from my day of birth till today.
I want to forget all the people I knew all the things I've done BUT I don't want to be with a short memory loss - that's really sucks.
I want to start over from a blank page and my past is hunting me.
Sometimes I want to go to the past and change things, but as the "Alice" book/movie says "I can't go/change the past - I was a different person there".
So I want the next best thing.
Loose my memory and start from the start.

Now were was I ? I can't recall ;)

A thought for the night.

It's about 1 AM in Israel so I'll leave you with a thought for the night.
Ever thought about when you wash your glass with water, you use much more water to wash the glass, then the water you drunk from the glass ?

It does have other meanings.
It cost you a hell of a lot more to clean your mess, then to make it.

And that my friends, is the waste of the world.
Think about it and goodnight.

Welcome to my place, my place - your place !

Today is my 24th birthday, and I've decided to try out blogging.
I really don't get those people who read other peoples blogs unless they have some good and useful information…but reading about other peoples lives? -- is that really interesting? I don’t know, not much interest for me there.
But I want to check it out (experience), I will write - you will read (and hopefully reply too).

So let's begin, shall we?

My name is Maxim (but you can call me Max ;), hell...there are even people who call me Jesus because they think I look like him, but there is no living human who seen Jesus to describe his looks so you can't really tell).
I live in Israel and almost everything interests me.

I don't like celebrating birthdays, too much phone calls to accept with the very same wishes that never come true.
Sometimes I feel that the person who calls me is obligated to do so and I don't want to push them back, I just let them spill their words and go on with it.

A wise person once said that you can have 10000 buddies in your life, but to have one friend is a privilege, I'm still waiting for that one friend.
You don't know for sure who is your friend and if he will be there in times of trouble.

I had dozens of buddies and still have many more, but none to call a "friend".
This is very sad in my opinion; 3 years in the army gave me nothing it terms of a real friend. Oh yeah, I met people there, I acquired many buddies but I left empty handed.

In my times in the army I served as an ambulance driver and I had a lot of free time to do what I want, I wrote about 100 songs in 3 years -- isn't bad I think, but then I returned home and didn't write a new song since (well maybe 2-3 new songs but it doesn't come close to 100 songs).
They’re mostly written in Hebrew but I have some in English and Russian too (yep, I speak 3 languages).

So that's it for today, goodbye and I hope that I will be here soon to spill more of my thoughts.